Meet the Man of my Dreams, or… How to Get EVERYTHING You Want

I’ve been taking some time off  to finally do my 100 list. A friend and I agreed to do these several weeks ago, and for some reason I just haven’t yet, so it’s time.

The exercise incorporates a lot of things we already know but I, at least, almost never put into practice.

1. ASK for what you want. Even the Bible, and a lot of writings a lot older than that—say, “ASK, and you shall receive.”

(NOT: “Hope your spouse/best friend/mom/boss/daughter/lottery office can read your mind and give you exactly what you were desperately, but silently wishing for…..and be sad/hurt/angry/resentful when they don’t.”)

Just ASK.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It hasn’t been for me. I’m not used to being vocal, or even very honest, about what I want. Even what I need. I wrote about this a couple of weeks ago (http://choose2bhappynow.blogspot.com/2009_09_24_archive.html), and it’ll likely be an ongoing effort.

And ASKING for what you want isn’t the all of it. You need to ask RIGHT. Ask for what you want as clearly, specifically, and with as much detail as you possibly can.

And since it’s harder to GET what we want, until we KNOW what we want,

2. MAKE A LIST….……..……..The 100 list ©

A list of 100 things that describe what it’s like to HAVE what you want, NOW. Present tense. POSITIVE terms. How it FEELS, how it TASTES, how it LOOKS, how it SMELLS, what it WEARS, what it MEANS, what you DO. Be as SPECIFIC as possible.

NOT the 100 things that WILL BE wonderful WHEN you get what you want.

The 100 things that ARE wonderful, right NOW, when you ALREADY (as if you already) have EXACTLY what you want.

Beyond your wildest dreams.

You need to really FEEL it, to be it. Picture it, see yourself already there.

You can do this for EACH of the major goals in each of the major areas of your life, like

Your HEALTH or fitness goals;
Your WEALTH goals;
Your SPIRITUAL goals;
Your RELATIONSHIP goals;
Your PERSONAL GROWTH goals;
etc.

For me, this means taking one goal at a time. And right now, A. and I decided that we both wanted to work on this one: That we both want someone special in our lives. For the rest of our lives.

It’s important to just start writing. Picture yourself already there, and describe it.

Part of my list might look like this:

My 100 list ©

1. I feel safe and loved when he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.

2. He loves everything I bake!

3. I love that he makes me laugh so hard that it’s hard to breathe.

4. His butt looks great in jeans.

5. We go on lots of great diving trips—he’s my favorite dive buddy ever.

You don’t have to do the whole list at one sitting, but get started and get it done. Imagine yourself in the situation, and describe it—how it looks, feels, tastes, smells, sounds. How you feel there. The things that are important to you. The more specific your list, the clearer the image, the closer you are to already being there.

This is not about changing someone into someone else.

This is about YOU.
ASKING for what you want.

Years ago, Debbie Ford told me something her rabbi (I think) had once told her:

“You are nothing but a speck of dust --
the whole Universe was created just for you.”

The 100 list is about creating your Universe.
Describing your world, the one you LOVE to live in!

When I finally started writing, I was amazed at some of the things that tumbled out. The ‘man of my dreams’ is a really great guy…

I can’t wait for you to meet him sometime.

Now start writing.

Lasting Relationships, Changing Times

I got a catch-up email from a childhood acquaintance who found me online. She wrote that after nearly twenty years of marriage, she and her husband are still ‘fond’ of each other.

Although it was stated positively, it seemed a slightly backhanded turn of phrase. But it wasn’t more than a few weeks later that she mentioned that for every one of her birthdays, for every Christmas, and for every Mother’s Day since their son was born, her husband has written her a love letter.

That’s a lot of letters. Wonderful letters. She has a whole box full of ‘em. And that, it seems to me, says a lot about a relationship, about a marriage, about what ‘fond’ means to her. And they’re still married. They still make the choice, every day, to spend their lives with one another. That says a lot right there.

I wonder if she knows how lucky she is?

Part of me is jealous. Part of me is just beginning to realize how completely I don’t understand the process.

But I’d like the chance to learn.

I spent a wonderful couple of days recently with a beloved cousin who’s the closest thing I have to a sister. She spent a measurable portion of that time pointing out how completely clueless I am. We’ll skip the part about my hair (I pull it straight, back and up; she says I should wear it curly, loose and down.) And the clothes (I like to be put together, and comfortable. She says I need to go more casual, lower, and tighter.) And the lifestyle: I’m a bit of a hermit…well, occasionally downright anti-social. (Although another friend pointed out last year that I’m not anti-social, I’m just discerning. It’s all about the spin.) My cousin wants me out on the dance floor. Or at least out of the house.

But aside from all that, she’s convinced that I don’t even notice when, in spite of myself, other people (read “men”) notice me. That I never have.

She’s not the first one to point this out.

(Every since she fell madly in love & got happily married years ago, she’s wanted the same for me, bless her. If there were any less distance than the thousands of miles there usually are between us, I’m sure she would have managed it by now. She’s a real go-getter, that one.)

But left to my own devices, I seem to be falling short. And according to her (and everyone else I know) it IS for want of trying.

So maybe I shouldn’t have moved to a town the size of a very small private college and opened a business directed almost exclusively to women and children.

At first I was too happy and busy to notice that I was single. Too relieved to be in one spot for a while, enjoying a five-minute commute and coming home to my own bed every night instead of getting on another plane, and waking up in another hotel room, in another time zone, on my way to another meeting with another group of overgrown boys pushing and posturing their way to the top of the corporate heap.

When it did finally hit me, I looked up and realized that everyone around me was either “newlywed or nearly dead.” Or already married to their high-school sweetheart, a shiny happy little family with two-point-three kids, a dog, and a SUV (yes, it’s that kind of town), so the point immediately became moot. I got on with my life.

In my defense, I have met BOTH the single men in this town, and one of ‘em still has all his own teeth. (That might be exaggerating a tiny little bit. Not much.)

For a couple of years there, it was a little hard. A little lonely. A little desolate when all of your friends are married and their idea of a good time on a Saturday night is a Little League game and then pizza with 30 screaming kids at Gianni’s. I’ve been to more than my share of birthday parties, and ballet recitals, and really awful amateur theater productions. And I’m still not old (or desperate) enough to hang out at Mission Ranch. (Sorry, Clint.)

But lately things have been changing.

Toddlers are turning into teens and heading off into the wide world, leaving their doting everything-revolves-around-my-children parents at loose ends.

Friends whose weddings I remember are getting divorced. For some it’s a relief, a blessing. For others it’s not. For all of them it’s a change, a huge upheaval in life, and a sudden (or not so sudden) veering away from, or sometimes back to, the road originally plotted.

Even more tragically, in the past few years several dear friends have had terrible losses—spouses, parents, and most tragically, a child. A beautiful, beloved, magical, only, child.

So all of a sudden, almost ALL of my friends are single. Suddenly they ALL have time to play—all the time. They all want to go out, or to lunch, or to dinner, or the movies. And can’t figure out why I don’t always have time for them.

Because in the meantime, I’ve filled my life with other things.
I’m busy.

But maybe I’ve changed, too. I’m ready to meet someone special. Now. Someone to share my life with, someone to laugh with, someone to dive, and dance,  and travel with. Someone to cook for. Someone who can fix the door in the my office. Someone who loves horses, and dogs, and curling up on the couch in front of the fire.

Someone who writes love letters to me.

I suppose it’s natural at this time of year to be thinking about the things that change. And the things that don’t.

For now, I’m single. It would be nice if I wasn’t.

But I have cousins who are like sisters to me, a mother who’s a saint, and the best extended family anyone could wish for. I have a sweet, funny dog who’s always glad to see me and sweet, funny, wise, wonderful friends. For all seasons.

Family and friends. And faith. My life is full. And happy.

And I’m giving notice that there’s room for more.